My Perfectly Pathetic but Poorly Produced Past-Valentine Post

"It’s funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken."

— Hotel Books, I Always Thought I Would Be Okay

I guess it must’ve been nice having a black sheep in your family.

Because you thought making me cry on my own birthday and feeling guilty all the times must’ve make you feel better about the daughter you lost approximately 20 years ago. I am not her replacement, you know. I might address you as mommy and whatever but I, for heaven’s sake, have feelings too. Maybe I'm a doll to this game, but I’m not yours. Might be broken here and there, and needs some patching up, but not yours. Never were.

Why do you have to make me guilty all the times? Your angel-disguised judgemental stares and mockery to everything I did. I’m always the wrong one. Never the right one. Never the one deserved your abundance care. Unmistakably pain in the arse. Spend too much time in my room. Spend too much time going out. Spend too much time living.

I guess being the black sheep kinda nice except the fact you need to broke down in once a while and cried silently in your dark bedroom —because you don’t want anyone to know you’re in there, and then washed your face and pretend like nothing ever happen, just to remain strong. Just to remain intact.

In hope you won’t break me anymore seeing how unbroken I am. Oh, the paradox.

I guess I’m not tough today because I type this down while crying.

I wish I was enough, mommy. I wish you would read this —but seeing it’s you, you probably won’t because you don’t know me that well. You don’t know my favorite song and my strangest pet peeve and you don’t even know I have moles in some secret places I never told anyone. You wish I was her. You wish I was the perfect replacement doll, but dolls have feelings too sometimes. I call you mommy, but you’re not my mother. I have my mother, and father, and even though we’re not perfect, I have my family. My own fucking family.

I wish I was enough was my other word for leave me alone, but I really do wish I was enough.


(Originally written in my tumblr blog, then re-edited here. I know it's been a while but for the past months I lose interest in writing. Might come back here for extensive word vomit, and yeah, I miss this blog too. Changed back the font. Hope you like it. 'Till next time, okay.)

Been a while, I guess.

Hey. (I mean, imagine me saying a cool 'hey' instead of HELLO-BLOG-I-MISS-YOU-SO-MUCH-BUT-I-FEEL-LIKE-I-HAVE-ABSOLUTELY-NOTHING-TO-TALK-ABOUT 'HEY'). Umm I'll just skip this part okay.

Anyway. Few weeks (months?) ago I posted my dream, and yes I know it's weird to write down your dream because... dreams are just dreams right? Yes, and now I found myself completely forgot how the young man on my dream looked like. It was... honestly it was depressing. Dude, I wish I wrote down more accurately how he looks, or I should've just said he looked like certain celebrity, but I didn't. And I forgot the dream completely until few days ago I had a very beautiful dream, but since I didn't write it down, I forgot it. /sigh

I guess a dream ends when you forget it.

My mid-term exams ended few days ago, and now I'm at home until Tuesday. Those mid-term exams... honestly I don't think I've done well. It's lucky that I have great brain and memory, but just not enough I think. I procrastinate too much.

I'm having a quite good life nowadays. My sister came back to Indonesia and I spent my days babysitting her two darling daughters. I have friends. I am happy.

But then the me three years ago didn't feel this kind of happiness. The one I feel now is the safe kind of happiness. I miss the fearless kind of happiness. You know, the happiness you felt when you broke a rule or do something bad, but you still feel happy nevertheless? That kind of happiness.

I guess I need a trigger. Someone who can flip my days inside and out. I'd love to have that trigger in my constant life now.

Tomorrow I'll go meet Ingrid, I know I miss her much. We rarely meet since this whole uni things even though basically we live in the same city. Okay ja ne.

P.S. because of my current *cough* fandom with *cough cough* EXO, I went fully-retarded back to reblogging things in tumblr. (If only anyone want to see it, I usually reblogged the funny ones, okay.)

I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on

Hello. It's been a while since my absurd dream post (I know, right?). The truth is I've been so occupied with my assignments, my uni, and basically my real life.

So, today I learnt a truth. It was almost like a fairy-tale ending; so beautiful yet unrealistic. But it's real, and it could happen anytime now.

I would do anything for my beloved one, but if wishing for one's happiness is the sorrow of another, what should I do?

Aish I'm going out of my mind.