My Perfectly Pathetic but Poorly Produced Past-Valentine Post

"It’s funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken."

— Hotel Books, I Always Thought I Would Be Okay

I guess it must’ve been nice having a black sheep in your family.

Because you thought making me cry on my own birthday and feeling guilty all the times must’ve make you feel better about the daughter you lost approximately 20 years ago. I am not her replacement, you know. I might address you as mommy and whatever but I, for heaven’s sake, have feelings too. Maybe I'm a doll to this game, but I’m not yours. Might be broken here and there, and needs some patching up, but not yours. Never were.

Why do you have to make me guilty all the times? Your angel-disguised judgemental stares and mockery to everything I did. I’m always the wrong one. Never the right one. Never the one deserved your abundance care. Unmistakably pain in the arse. Spend too much time in my room. Spend too much time going out. Spend too much time living.

I guess being the black sheep kinda nice except the fact you need to broke down in once a while and cried silently in your dark bedroom —because you don’t want anyone to know you’re in there, and then washed your face and pretend like nothing ever happen, just to remain strong. Just to remain intact.

In hope you won’t break me anymore seeing how unbroken I am. Oh, the paradox.

I guess I’m not tough today because I type this down while crying.

I wish I was enough, mommy. I wish you would read this —but seeing it’s you, you probably won’t because you don’t know me that well. You don’t know my favorite song and my strangest pet peeve and you don’t even know I have moles in some secret places I never told anyone. You wish I was her. You wish I was the perfect replacement doll, but dolls have feelings too sometimes. I call you mommy, but you’re not my mother. I have my mother, and father, and even though we’re not perfect, I have my family. My own fucking family.

I wish I was enough was my other word for leave me alone, but I really do wish I was enough.


(Originally written in my tumblr blog, then re-edited here. I know it's been a while but for the past months I lose interest in writing. Might come back here for extensive word vomit, and yeah, I miss this blog too. Changed back the font. Hope you like it. 'Till next time, okay.)

Been a while, I guess.

Hey. (I mean, imagine me saying a cool 'hey' instead of HELLO-BLOG-I-MISS-YOU-SO-MUCH-BUT-I-FEEL-LIKE-I-HAVE-ABSOLUTELY-NOTHING-TO-TALK-ABOUT 'HEY'). Umm I'll just skip this part okay.

Anyway. Few weeks (months?) ago I posted my dream, and yes I know it's weird to write down your dream because... dreams are just dreams right? Yes, and now I found myself completely forgot how the young man on my dream looked like. It was... honestly it was depressing. Dude, I wish I wrote down more accurately how he looks, or I should've just said he looked like certain celebrity, but I didn't. And I forgot the dream completely until few days ago I had a very beautiful dream, but since I didn't write it down, I forgot it. /sigh

I guess a dream ends when you forget it.

My mid-term exams ended few days ago, and now I'm at home until Tuesday. Those mid-term exams... honestly I don't think I've done well. It's lucky that I have great brain and memory, but just not enough I think. I procrastinate too much.

I'm having a quite good life nowadays. My sister came back to Indonesia and I spent my days babysitting her two darling daughters. I have friends. I am happy.

But then the me three years ago didn't feel this kind of happiness. The one I feel now is the safe kind of happiness. I miss the fearless kind of happiness. You know, the happiness you felt when you broke a rule or do something bad, but you still feel happy nevertheless? That kind of happiness.

I guess I need a trigger. Someone who can flip my days inside and out. I'd love to have that trigger in my constant life now.

Tomorrow I'll go meet Ingrid, I know I miss her much. We rarely meet since this whole uni things even though basically we live in the same city. Okay ja ne.

P.S. because of my current *cough* fandom with *cough cough* EXO, I went fully-retarded back to reblogging things in tumblr. (If only anyone want to see it, I usually reblogged the funny ones, okay.)

I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on

Hello. It's been a while since my absurd dream post (I know, right?). The truth is I've been so occupied with my assignments, my uni, and basically my real life.

So, today I learnt a truth. It was almost like a fairy-tale ending; so beautiful yet unrealistic. But it's real, and it could happen anytime now.

I would do anything for my beloved one, but if wishing for one's happiness is the sorrow of another, what should I do?

Aish I'm going out of my mind.

P.S. It's a dream. A surreal one.

I had a dream. I think I'm going crazy.

I'm going to need this jump break.

For a greater good

Hello. Sad news, everyone.
I lost my laptop. Ren, as I usually nicknamed it, was stolen from my house on August 27th. A thief came to our house, hypnotized our housekeeper, and stole our belongings. While I was still half dozed half not believing the fact that I lost it, I found myself missing and longing Ren more than I thought I'd be.

It was sad, losing your precious belonging, but what made me sadder because Ren was the most valuable and useful gift my father has ever given me, beside my life, of course. It was devastating to tell him that Ren was gone. It broke my heart because it was him; it was my daddy, who bought the laptop for me. Fyi I since last year I live with my uncle and auntie (which is like... practically my second parents) and I only went home twice or three times a year. I only see my mother and father twice or three times in a year.



I kept everything my parents gave because of course, those things remind me of them. Losing Ren was like a blow to me, economically and/or not. My big bro lent me his laptop, which was like a big brother to Ren, physically the laptops look similar, only his is bigger. and heavier.

Along with my grief for Ren, my grandpa also griefs for his vacation photo collection, which was kept, unfortunately, on my laptop.

Anyway, I should say goodbye for posting my Beijing report, because the photos are here no more, and also posting Hong Kong report will be suspended until I got the photos. Ok ja nee.

I want to be positive, to think that losing my laptop will bring a better good for me. For everyone, the thief too. We thank God because no one is hurt.

Have a great day everybody.

A pre-journal report

Lay ho! Or as in English, hello!

Couple of days ago I got back from Hong Kong, which was wonderful, by the way.
You've got to love the ease of transportation, the food, the shops, and NOT the weather, haha. Unfortunately we visit HK when in the days when it was hit by a typhoon (Yes, a typhoon!) and we had to cancel our scheduled-extended trip to Macau.
But still HK was awesome! It's a lot more modern than China, and also cleaner!
I didn't have any photos with me, but I'll be posting more when I already have.

Till then, be patient :)

P.S. I'm thinking of changing the layout of my blog since it looked very... what do I say, stuffed? I want it to be simpler but it'd be quite a job to redo it since I'm no good with this technology.

To the Moon; a story and afterthought

To the Moon --the kind of game I'd play over and over again.

Yesterday I downloaded, played and finished a game To the Moon. This game has the classy 1990s graphic, but this game proves that story often trumps graphic in deciding how good the game is.

I found this game because I watched PewDiePie's videos, and that's how. Usually I prefer to watch people playing games (usually my brothers) but this time is exception.

I had to put this jump break, because I'll be writing the whole story and ending... so yeah.

FYI I'm a perfectionist

Hello! I'm back in Jakarta, and with a better mood now. Few days ago my laptop charger died, so I had to order a new one and it arrived this afternoon! Now I'm back in business, internet.

Anyway last month I bought the creativity-slash-destructive self-enrichment book that's been trending lately: WRECK THIS JOURNAL.

It's like a journal where you do things based on the instruction, but it depends on you of how destructive/creative your page will be. I'm a clean freak person, and sometimes I would be a perfectionist too, like I would go crazy if some things don't go as I planned... yes, like that. So my relationship with this journal has been a love-hate relationship.

My credit for nanahulia for this inspiration of drawing Finn and Jake. I tried my best to draw Finn, but since I'm only good at coloring... that's the best I could get. His eyes actually look like he's on drugs or something. On my first pages I was not being very creative... like on this page, but Lord forgive me for that.

For the last few days I've been in unbelievably high mood to do this journal again, so maybe I could put it here too. [I actually bought this book because I think I'll have nothing to do this holiday... I just completely forgot that internet exists. Anyway I spent my holiday exploring the weird side of internet all day.]

I think that's all I have to say, bye for now.

P.S. I'm typing with hands that smell like garlic. Not the most romantic smell a girl can have, but at least I won't have any vampires coming near to me.

P.S.S.I just had tomato soup and garlic bread... if you're wondering why I have garlic-smelled hands. Ja ne!

Stay warm, stay golden

This is just a quick post. I got my first side-job as a translator at one local magazine. Or should be.

I just came home from Trawas, where I had the most fun in this year with my other 11 friends.

I cried when we had to say goodbye. I don't want this to end. This holiday has been a dream, and I don't want it to end.

It's been a year since my high-school ended.

It's been four years since I first met my X-E friends, my tenth grade friends.

It was crazy having a night full of old tales and new gossips. Our annual sleepover is worth being waited for a year.

It's crazy, but now I yearn for more.

Next Wednesday I will go back to Jakarta, to the city of all hopes. I hate to say it, but I would prefer my Surabaya friends here a lot, lot more than my friends in Jakarta. It's not the same; but then nothing will be the same once you grow up, isn't it?

Ok back to my translating job due tonight. Bye.

P.S. yes Ryl, I do recognize them :1

Bangkok: The Journal [Review]

Playing with filters and Line stickers and ended up with a washed-off effect on this photo. Not my best edit. The book is actually colored magenta and cyan. Very, very eye-catching. By this time you probably have known that I give Brown and Cony stickers in all the book pictures.

Anyway I read this book while waiting for my plane (I brought this book on my cabin baggage thinking that I'd read it on the plane. Turned out I slept like the dead on the plane. I fell asleep even before the plane took-off. I was really tired.)

★★★★★

I like this book. I'm not really into romance stories, so when I found out this book tells a journey, I was automatically pumped to finish this book.

Bangkok tells a story about two brothers. One is a successful architect who left his family to pursue his dreams, the other stay true to who he is and made a big change on himself. After their mother's death, the brothers, Edvan and Edvina are given their mother's legacy; a journey to find her diary all over Bangkok.

I think I like it because it tells more about the journey, not the romance. Sure, Edvan (the eldest brother, the architect) met a Thai girl, who's also his guide, named Charm. I've never been to Thailand, so when I read this book, I went "Ooh" everywhere. The author did a great job on explaining the places, the culture, even the ladyboy terms. [Ladyboy is a male who change gender into female. Yes, Thailand is famous for their beautiful ladyboys.]

Of course, I was positively sure the brothers will eventually find all the diary entries. And yep, they found it.

Actually I give this number of stars because of the brilliance of the story. Few points I'd like to make are here again.

• I know Edvan is a grown man, so I understand that he probably had a dirty grown mind. But the author put too much dirty jokes on the book. Not blaming that the author is a male, but again, much readers also come from ages between 13-19, in simple words; teenagers. Putting dirty jokes on a book which teenage reads; probably not very wise.
• Brilliant journey, almost too good to be true. In irony, Edvan in the book kept saying how almost impossible his search is. It is, actually. Looking for some pieces of diary in Bangkok, from his mother's journey couple of decades ago, almost impossible. Yet they made it at the end. Too good to be true. [If I were to hop into the story, I'd pat Edvan in the shoulder and said with Morgan Freeman's godly voice; You'll find it. You're the main character so it's the rule that you'll find it. Don't you worry, my child. Don't you worry.]
• Charm got cancer. I SEE THAT COMING, DUDE. I actually kinda hope Charm is also a ladyboy so Edvan would have to be surrounded by ladyboys in his life. Her "I'm not as good as you think I am", "You don't deserve me" and "You don't know me" has led me to conclude her illness. But, cancer? Charm got bald? Okay that's a little bit too melodramatic. I've seen too much on soap operas.

In the end, the book led me to so many what-ifs. I think about the possibility of Edvan becomes gay. Or the possibility of Charm is a ladyboy. Or that the mother's journal is never found. So many possibilities.

The story is good and brilliant, but in irony it's also predictable. If you're not too much about romance and love the idea of exploring another country via book, you should try this one.
Edvina in this book said something that really caught my heart; "Family help family". Sound a little bit Singlish for me, but it's true that family is the most beautiful treasure one will ever have on earth.

P.S. I actually kept imagining that Edvan would look like Taylor Lautner. Or with less muscles, Ryan Higa. Their similarity? Tan, dark haired, and small eyed.

P.S.S. I think this is the first book that really tells the city. Really explores it. In my opinion, though. Okay, see ya.

Day 4 —Your Siblings (or closest relative)

Dearest Astrid, Erick, and Jeffrey,

Thank you for making me less alone on holiday.

Remember when I was much younger, and all of you were much younger too? We used to make a chaos together. You used to tease me for being a kid. I might be angry and cried, but I missed those moments all the time :')

Astrid-sis,

thank you for accompanying me shopping. Buying me things; all the lovely ones. Thanks for being a true, super fun sister. I miss those times. I want to visit you in L.A. I want you to take me shopping again, to buy all the lovely stuffs. I want to meet Saskia. I wish to.

I still miss you :')

Erick-bro & Jeff-bro,

thanks for being the technology guys who taught me many cool stuffs. Thanks for all the jokes that made me cry when I was much younger.

I remember when I was 5, we watched a blockbuster movie together, and I, being a normal five-years old girl, was somehow bored. I distracted the audience in the theater, and got you into much troubles. I slept on way home and Erick-bro carried me to my bedroom, only to find me waking up the next minute :D

I love the way you tease me. I miss when I'm not with you guys, because I'm all alone and nobody teases me the way you do :p

Kisses,

Y

Day 3 — Your Parents

You may figured a whole new side of me from this letter. Just telling.

Dad.

Dad. One word that fits our father-daughter relationship is maybe acceptance. I am proud to be your daughter, really. I remember when I was little, you call me "son" every time. You said "Good morning, son" or "Hello, my son". I thought it was because you don't understand English properly, so you misinterpret the meaning between "son" and "daughter".

But now I think differently. What if you want me to be your son? Not your daughter?

To be strong, to take care of the family, to accompany you watching movies every weekend, to understand AC as you do? Well, I tried, Dad.

I'm sorry if I failed you. I'm sorry I'm fragile and that I went hiding and cried alone every time we had a problem.

I don't care what are you or what mistake you might have done. We are human and we can't be perfect.

I don't care with your anger issue. You are my Dad, and one thing I know for sure is, I will never ever imagine a better father than you. I am not me if my Dad isn't you, Dad. You made me perfectly what I am now.

I'm strong in front of you and everyone else. I cried while watching movie, because it's my only chance to cry.

It's okay. We accept each other, and I love you deeply more than songs can say.

Mom.

Mom. The most beautiful word human ever invent. The reason I don't cry in front of you, and why I always said it's gonna be okay; because I need to be strong. I need to, or else I'd make someone in this world sad, and I won't let that happen.

If I ever make you sad, angry, or disappointed, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry if I ever rebelled. If I ever said something that hurt you. I'm just so sorry, Mom.

I knew I'm the star of your life, the only child and the only daughter.

I'm just so sorry if I couldn't be what you want me to be.

I promise you, I will be a better daughter to make you proud.

I knew sometimes people are jealous to see how close we are --with Dad too.

Mom, sometimes we have to tolerate and accept people for what they are, to make everything flawless. Sometimes we just have to try accepting them for who they are.

I love you Mom. I tell you everyday, I know.

I love you mommy and daddy. I miss you. Tu me manques.

Love, yoan.