Ever have one of those days you just can't win? No matter how hard you struggle; no mater how far you fight on?
I'm on the downhill again, sigh.
Currently just sitting here staring blankly at my monitor.
My eyes hurt because I cried too much (imagine Pooh's puffy eyes there) but thankfully I felt a lot better after calling Sany and talked about Running Man.
Today I cried because my grandpa said painful things to me. It's not that I'm not immune to his saying, it's just... I reached my limit.
I was just complaining to him about him being too nice to my maid's child. My whole family has been talking about this issue, but I was the first one to drop the bomb.
I don't know why it ended up with me being the wrong side.
My grandpa is my hero.
He is a loving person, I think everyone might've known that. He got a lot of feeling towards me. Like I'm his own flesh; like I'm his only reason of living. It's exaggerating, but that's the truth.
But then he demanded me to always love him affectionately. Which I couldn't. I'm not a person who --when I love, I affectionately show my love. I don't do that. When I care about someone, I'll just take a good care of him. Not saying 'I love you's here and there. I couldn't do that.
I'm not crying because my grandpa said I was rude and misbehaving. I didn't cry because he accused me of being not-returning-peoples-care and such things.
I cried when my grandpa said I can't even take care of the dishes, just when my papie was taking care of the dishes.
I cried because it hurts me so much when someone you look up to noticed only the fail you do. Only the flaw you create. Only the bad ones.
My grandpa didn't praise me when I do nice things. He didn't notice the good things I do; not the care I give him, not the daily affection I pour into him.
He only see when I fail at some thing. He only pointed out at my flaws.
I cried, because for me it was too much to handle; being a total failure in the eye of your hero, when in fact you have tried to do your best. It was too much for me to handle.
I don't like the way things become. I actually hate it when people put so much hope on my shoulder.
It's like a burden. I feel like a burden.
Today was a rather sad day. My father told me I should not buy a polaroid camera. But that's my only wish. I longed for a polaroid camera. I don't need him buying one for me. I'll use my angpao money for it. But my father wouldn't let me do that. He told me it's just a waste of money. I tried my best not to cry in front of him, but actually I felt like I'm losing in everything I fight for.
I know this post sounds stupid and childish. But here I go again, pouring my teary feeling on you.
Pardon me for the weird title. I can only think of Running Man's Kang Gary, which on one of the business-like episode, didn't know the abbreviation, so instead of Break-Even Point, he said that BEP stands for Black-Eyed Peas. It cracked me up on this gloomy day.
Yep, you guessed it. I currently am in love with Running Man.Okay, that's it. I'll get some sleep and get rid of this puffy eyes. Ja ne.
