"It’s funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken."
— Hotel Books, I Always Thought I Would Be Okay
I guess it must’ve been nice having a black sheep in your family.
Because you thought making me cry on my own birthday and feeling guilty all the times must’ve make you feel better about the daughter you lost approximately 20 years ago. I am not her replacement, you know. I might address you as mommy and whatever but I, for heaven’s sake, have feelings too. Maybe I'm a doll to this game, but I’m not yours. Might be broken here and there, and needs some patching up, but not yours. Never were.
Why do you have to make me guilty all the times? Your angel-disguised judgemental stares and mockery to everything I did. I’m always the wrong one. Never the right one. Never the one deserved your abundance care. Unmistakably pain in the arse. Spend too much time in my room. Spend too much time going out. Spend too much time living.
I guess being the black sheep kinda nice except the fact you need to broke down in once a while and cried silently in your dark bedroom —because you don’t want anyone to know you’re in there, and then washed your face and pretend like nothing ever happen, just to remain strong. Just to remain intact.
In hope you won’t break me anymore seeing how unbroken I am. Oh, the paradox.
I guess I’m not tough today because I type this down while crying.
I wish I was enough, mommy. I wish you would read this —but seeing it’s you, you probably won’t because you don’t know me that well. You don’t know my favorite song and my strangest pet peeve and you don’t even know I have moles in some secret places I never told anyone. You wish I was her. You wish I was the perfect replacement doll, but dolls have feelings too sometimes. I call you mommy, but you’re not my mother. I have my mother, and father, and even though we’re not perfect, I have my family. My own fucking family.
I wish I was enough was my other word for leave me alone, but I really do wish I was enough.
(Originally written in my tumblr blog, then re-edited here. I know it's been a while but for the past months I lose interest in writing. Might come back here for extensive word vomit, and yeah, I miss this blog too. Changed back the font. Hope you like it. 'Till next time, okay.)
