For a greater good

Hello. Sad news, everyone.
I lost my laptop. Ren, as I usually nicknamed it, was stolen from my house on August 27th. A thief came to our house, hypnotized our housekeeper, and stole our belongings. While I was still half dozed half not believing the fact that I lost it, I found myself missing and longing Ren more than I thought I'd be.

It was sad, losing your precious belonging, but what made me sadder because Ren was the most valuable and useful gift my father has ever given me, beside my life, of course. It was devastating to tell him that Ren was gone. It broke my heart because it was him; it was my daddy, who bought the laptop for me. Fyi I since last year I live with my uncle and auntie (which is like... practically my second parents) and I only went home twice or three times a year. I only see my mother and father twice or three times in a year.



I kept everything my parents gave because of course, those things remind me of them. Losing Ren was like a blow to me, economically and/or not. My big bro lent me his laptop, which was like a big brother to Ren, physically the laptops look similar, only his is bigger. and heavier.

Along with my grief for Ren, my grandpa also griefs for his vacation photo collection, which was kept, unfortunately, on my laptop.

Anyway, I should say goodbye for posting my Beijing report, because the photos are here no more, and also posting Hong Kong report will be suspended until I got the photos. Ok ja nee.

I want to be positive, to think that losing my laptop will bring a better good for me. For everyone, the thief too. We thank God because no one is hurt.

Have a great day everybody.

We still got time

Aww, Finn.

I've been away lately. Been listening to the whole The Script's #3 album, some songs by Korean band CN Blue just to listen to JongHyun's sweet voice /faints, and been listening to Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard. Probably my song of the moment. I watched Iron Man 3 last week, and couldn't resist it, I love Tony Stark. Well, I love his retired-playboy, classy, arrogant sweet character, or maybe I just love Robert Downey, Jr. Couldn't decide.

I reread The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield again, and couldn't stop imagining if I lived in that era. What if I had taken part in Adeline's past... as her servant or maybe gardener? Wouldn't it be fascinating? Or terrifying?

Anyway. It's been a quite busy weeks lately. I've got plenty of tasks, and I had irregular sleep hours.

And I'm not happy. Not quite yet.

I mean... what used to be fun is hanging out with my friends, doing crazy things together, etc. Just being with your friends means fun for me. Now my kind of fun is watching RunningMan or doing 9GAG. My definition of fun has moved. It became a more casual fun, not the crazy fun kind of fun.

And it kills me.

How long would it take for everything to be alright? How long until I find my real friends here? How long will it take? Some friends I have here... I never think of them as a real friends. I mean, yes we don't lie to each other and we don't stab each other on our back, but still, I feel like an outsider. All of them already have their groups, while I? I'm the outsider. The one who's not fun enough to be with the popular group but not freak enough to join the weirdos. I'm the in-between. I'm the outsider.

It kills me. It really does.

My only comfort place is my room, jinja. Sometimes at class I couldn't wait for it to be over so I can go home. I never felt this when I'm on high school. Never. It kills me how I'm starting to hate going to school. I couldn't tell my parents... I mean, how could I? They must have prayed so much for my future. Everything here; every particular thing, they suffocate me. They kill me.

I miss my old friends wtf I've been saying this kind of thing in my every post.

I'm not comfortable. Probably never be. Or else I just have trust issues.

Anyway I would certainly seriously undoubtedly ship this Song Joong Ki - Lee Kwang Soo couple. /don't really care if they're both men. They went to PSY's concert together last April. I'm currently fangirling right now so I should stop talking about them. Kwang Soo looks really old here, but I love his recent hairstyle... it makes him more handsome /blush

Remember this Pet Society game on Facebook? I used to be so crazy for this game, feedind and buying cute clothes for my pet. They're closing the game down!!! I'm gonna miss my Rui /sob

Yah probably I just talked too much nonsense here.

Maybe I'll post some more soon. Jaa ne.

P.S. If you're listening to The Script, take a little time to listen deeply to a song titled "If You Could See Me Now". It was deeply moving, and the lyrics... amazing. Take a little time to close your eyes and listen deeply. It's based on real story, though. The Script never fails me, I have to say.

Not moving anywhere

I'm left alone in the house for the weekend, and currently listening to mellow songs, so you can blame them for this sad post.

Well. The truth is, I don't feel like living.

Not that I want to kill myself or what the eff, but... yeah you know. I see my old friends; their new lives, new friends, new experiences, new source of happiness, while I'm just standing here, alone.

I don't know what will I become in the next 5 years, or what would my dream job would be. I don't have a dream job. I don't think I'm enrolled in a right place for my destination (?) but I think it's already too late to change direction to another college.

It's all so depressing.

I'm not someone who'd happily sacrifice a year of my education for a thing you can say, a wrong choice. Why can't I take dual degree? Or go to some place far away from here, where I can just learn everything not by going to college, but by being experiencing things?

What should I do?

Okay. Done. Jaa ne.

Break even point

Ever have one of those days you just can't win? No matter how hard you struggle; no mater how far you fight on?

I'm on the downhill again, sigh.

Currently just sitting here staring blankly at my monitor.

My eyes hurt because I cried too much (imagine Pooh's puffy eyes there) but thankfully I felt a lot better after calling Sany and talked about Running Man.

Today I cried because my grandpa said painful things to me. It's not that I'm not immune to his saying, it's just... I reached my limit.

I was just complaining to him about him being too nice to my maid's child. My whole family has been talking about this issue, but I was the first one to drop the bomb.

I don't know why it ended up with me being the wrong side.

My grandpa is my hero.

He is a loving person, I think everyone might've known that. He got a lot of feeling towards me. Like I'm his own flesh; like I'm his only reason of living. It's exaggerating, but that's the truth.

But then he demanded me to always love him affectionately. Which I couldn't. I'm not a person who --when I love, I affectionately show my love. I don't do that. When I care about someone, I'll just take a good care of him. Not saying 'I love you's here and there. I couldn't do that.

I'm not crying because my grandpa said I was rude and misbehaving. I didn't cry because he accused me of being not-returning-peoples-care and such things.

I cried when my grandpa said I can't even take care of the dishes, just when my papie was taking care of the dishes.

I cried because it hurts me so much when someone you look up to noticed only the fail you do. Only the flaw you create. Only the bad ones.

My grandpa didn't praise me when I do nice things. He didn't notice the good things I do; not the care I give him, not the daily affection I pour into him.

He only see when I fail at some thing. He only pointed out at my flaws.

I cried, because for me it was too much to handle; being a total failure in the eye of your hero, when in fact you have tried to do your best. It was too much for me to handle.

I don't like the way things become. I actually hate it when people put so much hope on my shoulder.

It's like a burden. I feel like a burden.

Today was a rather sad day. My father told me I should not buy a polaroid camera. But that's my only wish. I longed for a polaroid camera. I don't need him buying one for me. I'll use my angpao money for it. But my father wouldn't let me do that. He told me it's just a waste of money. I tried my best not to cry in front of him, but actually I felt like I'm losing in everything I fight for.

I know this post sounds stupid and childish. But here I go again, pouring my teary feeling on you.

Pardon me for the weird title. I can only think of Running Man's Kang Gary, which on one of the business-like episode, didn't know the abbreviation, so instead of Break-Even Point, he said that BEP stands for Black-Eyed Peas. It cracked me up on this gloomy day.

Yep, you guessed it. I currently am in love with Running Man.

Okay, that's it. I'll get some sleep and get rid of this puffy eyes. Ja ne.

Sudden clarity

It's not that I'm busy. It's not even the tasks' deadlines that's killing me.

It's just... maybe 2013 is not my year of writing in this blog.

It's been a hard time keeping up with the thoughts of writing since I spent much time writing my assignment story.

Do I miss blogging? Hell yeah.

I miss every single feeling I used to put up in these posts. I miss how frequent I used to put my feelings here.

I don't even post anything about the new year. Not even about my birthday (which was kinda pathetic, by the way)

I love this blog, but I just don't feel like blogging lately.

I miss my old self; the one I found by being among my old friends. I miss how exciting they made my life.

I am a person that --when I love something too much, I'll destroy it. I'll effin' destroy the things I love.

I hate the fact that I'm destroying this blog, too.

I hate myself for being hateful.

(Okay, it's becoming out of topic) but up until now, I don't really feel like this is the place I should be.

I have no future figured out, but sometimes I hope I could pack my things and fly away --to the place where my heart feels the warmest.

The me on my high-school years was the best and the worst of me. But then I want to get back to that me.

I kinda hate this current me.

I would probably hate people according to what they say. I'm becoming a judgmental person lately. Accepting difference wasn't a hard thing to do, but living in a difference situation has been killing me.

This was not the future I hope for. This wasn't the dream I want to reach.

This year will be my stepping stone. Now go watch me turn this effin' year into a memorable one.

P.S. Chinese New Year was nice, I got so much angpaos I couldn't imagine I'd have. But then I miss celebrating it in my hometown.

P.S.S. Beijing report is coming soon --or later.

Quick, quiet thoughts

Christmas is coming, and I'm still at my dorm room. My room mate has already went home, and I'm completely alone here. They say when your mind is quiet, your thoughts begin to travel.

Mine travel far, far away.

My mind begin to travel to a leap of time when I was happy back then. When I was still with him; when I was at my best --and my worst, too.

Then I think about the close friends I used to have; how fun we used to be together, and how bad our separations were.

I think about my mom, dad, grandpa and ipoo. I think about the Christmas gifts I haven't got time to buy.

And about the time of my life I used to have when I was still in high school.

Not that I'm complaining about my life now. It's just... a burst of memories and moments I just miss.

I've been missing things like crazy lately.

Just then I begin to think about things I wanted to let go but I couldn't. Now I don't want to let it go even just a bit.
The sweet feeling when you embrace your friends...
That fuzzy tummy when your crush is in front of you...
The insecurity and curiosity as a teenage...

When my mind drifts, I think about things I've done in my life; the good and the bad. Maybe it was decisions that define the way I am now. Maybe it was fate and destiny. 

Or maybe it was family and friends who change me. Make me the way I am now.

I miss the guitar. It had always been and will always be.
I keep a lavender guitar pick as a good-luck-charm. I still think of a particular person when I think of guitar.
I think of you, and then I'd feel better.
You had been -after all, the sweetest medicine I've ever taken.

My life has been so random lately. As I already told you, the boys at my class are jerks. I've got a greater evidence of that.

One of the boy got his girlfriend pregnant. One other only dare to pick a fight with a girl. Is that kind of thing normal here? What am I doing with my life here?

To be honest. I want these four years to end quickly. I'm afraid they're gonna change me. I'm afraid I'm gonna be changed. I want to remain this me. I'm not ready.

I'll probably post some more because I'll be in holiday soon. Till then, see ya.